Two strangers, 36 questions, four minutes of eye contact. The promise sounds cinematic, yet this New York Times phenomenon keeps surfacing in searches about amour for a reason.
Rooted in psychologist Arthur Aron’s 1997 research on accelerating closeness and popularized by Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay in The New York Times on January 9, 2015, the exercise doesn’t guarantee love. It structures a conversation that raises intimacy fast, with three escalating sets of personal questions and, as Catron described, a timed gaze to close.
What are the 36 Questions From The New York Times?
Think of a ladder with three rungs. Each rung holds 12 prompts, moving from light self-disclosure to deeper values and memories. The design nudges two people to share a bit more, then a bit deeper, and to listen closely in return.
The sequence matters. It mirrors how trust often grows in real life, just compressed into one guided exchange. Catron’s viral essay added a final step that many now associate with the protocol : four minutes of quiet eye contact, if both feel comfortable.
The Science Behind Closeness : From Aron 1997 to NYT 2015
Arthur Aron and colleagues published the closeness procedure in 1997 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. In the lab, pairs who followed these structured, escalating questions reported significantly greater interpersonal closeness than pairs doing small-talk tasks.
The New York Times brought the method to mainstream culture in 2015, when Mandy Len Catron recounted using the list on a date. The essay spread fast across social feeds and dinner tables, turning a scholarly tool into a pop-relationship staple.
Dating habits changed in parallel. According to Pew Research Center in 2020, 30 percent of U.S. adults had used online dating, and 12 percent had married or entered a committed relationship with someone they met there. In a world of quick matches, a reliable path to depth feels priceless.
There’s another clue from long-term research. The Gottman Institute reports that 69 percent of relationship conflicts tend to be perpetual. Translation : couples need ongoing curiosity and soft skills more than perfect problem-solving. A structured disclosure exercise fits that need.
How to Use the 36 Questions for Real-World Amour
Start where you are. New connection, early dating, years into a relationship – the format adapts. The key is mutual consent and a pace that feels safe, not performative.
Set the scene with intention. Phones away. A quiet place. Enough time to breathe between answers. Trust grows when attention is undivided.
For many, a gentle script helps. Here is a simple, field-tested way to run it tonight :
- Plan about one hour for the three sets, plus optional four-minute eye contact at the end.
- Alternate who answers first on each prompt, and listen without interrupting.
- Keep answers honest but not reckless; skip a question and return later if needed.
- Maintain confidentiality; what’s shared stays shared.
- If both agree, end with four minutes of quiet eye contact, as Mandy Len Catron described in her 2015 NYT piece.
Couples sometimes split the sets over several evenings. That can reduce pressure and let insights sink in between rounds.
Pitfalls, Evidence-Informed Tips, and When the 36 Work – or Don’t
Treating the 36 as a love potion often backfires. The protocol fosters closeness; it does not replace compatibility, timing, or consent.
Rushing the sets is another common mistake. The effectiveness in Aron’s approach comes from gradually escalating disclosure, not speed. Pauses matter.
A practical example helps. Two partners who feel stuck can use one set per week to refresh curiosity. One hears a childhood story not shared before, the other clarifies a present-day priority. Small, real shifts follow.
First dates are different. If the vibe feels fragile, try the first set only. Save the deeper prompts for a second meeting when trust has a foothold. Boundaries first, depth second.
Cultural context counts. In some settings, revealing personal history fast may feel intrusive. Adapt pacing and language so the exercise feels respectful, not clinical or too intense.
Then comes the missing piece. The 36 open a door; day-to-day care keeps it open. Borrow a habit from relationship science : schedule short, recurring check-ins with open-ended questions. Keep asking, keep listening, and ocassionally return to one prompt that deserves a fuller answer.
For those who wanted the quick headline answer : yes, the New York Times 36 questions can reliably increase feelings of closeness – as shown by Arthur Aron’s 1997 research and amplified by the 2015 NYT spotlight – yet they work best as a beginning, not the whole story.